


McGangsta: Kings of Fast Food Paradise

by webhead3019



Category: McDonaldland
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 13:15:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16556450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/webhead3019/pseuds/webhead3019
Summary: What’s the first thing Hamburglar does after serving a McHardtime prison sentence? Why, he wages a McGangwar on the one who destroyed everything of course. If you’re not familiar with my style yet, I just write whatever really.





	1. McPrison of the McMind

Hamburglar reminisced, "I did hard time for you Ronald. I was being eaten day in and day out by that fat fuck Grimace. But you know what, Ronald? After everything you did to me, I would have given my life for you Ronald. I would have taken the McDick all over again, because no one packed a Happy Meal like you did, Ronald. Maybe you did bring it upon yourself by locking me up here."

Hamburglar grunted, "Dammit. I know it's my fault. I bet you're fucking laughing at me right now with that triple-decker McShit-eating grin of yours. If I hadn't been so intent on stealing the recipe, I could have been able to stop Burger King when we lost the McDonalds recipe forever. So you had a gang war, Ronald. And do you know the biggest mistake you made was? It wasn't being the mainstream cause of high cholesterol on a global scale."

Hamburglar teared up, "It was not turning to the one who fucking loved you the most. You hear that you fucking crazy-haired McCocksucker? I fucking loved you like a McBrother and you turned your back on me when you needed me the most. Well, everything has changed now. I'm finally eligible for parole after 6 grueling years. I'm not going to lie and tell you I'm going to be better than you. I don't owe you shit."

Hamburglar concluded cryptically, "What I'm going to do though, is I'm going to find that meatfucking Burger King and I'm going to make him pay for destroying the only thing I wanted more than anything. I'm coming for you Burger King, you dead-eyed McMotherfucker... and the ketchup will be on your hands."

To Be McContinued . . .


	2. McStraight Outta McFucktown

Hamburglar pulls up on the McDowntown and 5th Avenue with his fuckin studded McPimpMobile. He stops for a second, while playing McMafia’s old song, back when the gang was still together and still had a record label with enough McBalls to sign them. Grimace sang, “Straight outta McDonald’s, a curly haired fuck named Ronald! Born and raised on the streets, and if ya fuck with Ron you’ll get the Royale Wit Cheese.”

Hamburglar ejected the cassette and said, “Fuck you Grimace. You’re still not forgiven for opening a McMayonnaise packet in my asshole.” Hamburglar took out a hamburger shooting gun out of his trunk and made damn sure it was loaded. Hamburglar laughed, “Straight out the McFryer and I’m still gunnin for yo ass. Heads up Burger Fuck, the competition is back in business and I ain’t takin no shit, asshole.”

Hamburglar pushed the swing doors open and shouted, “Yo what’s good mothafuckas? Is this that McBurger Joint I been hearin about lately?” One of the bouncers waltzed up and met Hamburglar about halfway, “Yo shithead, this Burger King foo! And there ain’t no Mick in it, ya McDonald’s lookin mothafucka!” Hamburglar whipped out his hamburger shooting gun and shouted back, “I am a McDonald’s lookin mothafucka, mothafucka!”

Hamburglar blasted a giant hole through the bouncers abdomen. The bouncer went flying back, and a gratuitous amount of ketchup exploded across the wall behind him. Hamburglar yelled, “Bet you ain’t talkin that shit now huh, fuckin bitch?” The cashier raised his arms frantically, “Please. We don’t want no trouble, Hamburglar!” Hamburglar laughed, “Yeah, you know my name now. Don’tcha bitch?”

Hamburglar announced, “You see shit’s gonna change around here and it’s gonna start by knowing just who the fuck I fuckin am. You see this burger casing, mothafucka? The one with all the McFuckin ketchup on it? That’s the menu change. Bon appetit, fucka.” Hamburglar stuffed the steaming burger into the cashier’s mouth. The cashier squirmed against his will.

Hamburglar slapped the cashier and laughed, “I’m just fuckin around. Spit that McShit out, you sick fuck. I’m lettin you off the hook now. You can keep your business to yourself for the time being, but if you start employing those meatsack pieces of shit again rather than coming to me, there’s gonna be some fuckin McBeef and not the fake fuckin kind. The next time a hamburger enters yo mouth, it’ll be straight from the barrel and that’s yo ass.”

Hamburglar retrieved his hamburger shotgun and yelled, “And clean this shit up. Store opens in an hour unless you forgot what the fuck this place used to mean. This is a safe zone and you’re under the McMafia protection now, mothafucka. We takin back the block, one McBusiness at a time. Deuces!”


	3. McMurda on the McRise

Birdie the Early Bird exclaimed, “You’re no longer a Hamburglar, you’re a Hammurderer!” Hamburglar sighed, “That’s harsh. I only McUnalived him.” Birdie shot back, “Ronald would have never stood for this.” Hamburglar responded angrily, “Ronald was a fuckin pussy and his head was never really in the game. That’s why he got his balls served to him on a frying pan as a car battery hooked up to his temples turned his brains to scrambled eggs.”

Birdie asked, “How did you know that?” Hamburglar said, “Word travels fast in prison and so does the competition. Gettin locked up changed my candy ass. You’d be kiddin yourself if you think I’m gonna back off now, all cuz I got the fuck out. I’m gonna get that burger suckin McFaggot for fuckin us and that’s that.”

Birdie argued, “The gang’s not even all back together yet and you killed one of the Burger bangers out in the wide open. Do you even know what the McFuck you’re doing. You got locked up once and it wasn’t for killing. Do you have such a fuckin death wish, that you wanna see Ronald so badly. If you wanna see the bastard, just go to the McCemetery like a rational mothafucka.”

Hamburglar disapproved, “Fuck that, Birdie. King’s been fuckin us, with or without Ronald. I don’t have no time to look to the stars for that fuckin prick anyway. It’s like ya fuckin said, I painted a fuckin target on my back. I gotta get back to work, so they know my ass means business. It’s a tomato for ketchup, burger eat burger world out here on the McStreets. You know how the fuck it goes.”

Hamburglar explained, “Throughout the 6 petty fuckin years I got, not a day went by when I didn’t think about all my cock scenarios until the day got out. You’re high on shit if you think all is forgiven. Fuck Burger King and fuck all of the mothafuckin mothafuckas that answer to him. I’ll rid this whole town of Burger King if I have to, but it all ends with his ass and that final.”

Hamburglar asked, “And so what if we don’t get the gang back together? I’d say I’m doin rather fuckin fine with the odds I got so far and I’m doing a fuck lot more than when we were together. Times are changing, but Burger King’s hold over this city ain’t. Someone’s gotta stand up and put the fuck ass in his place and sure as shit ain’t gonna be you.”

Hamburglar continued, “Grimace ain’t fuckin gettin out anytime soon. No way in McHell. I put his fat ass in the infirmary the last time he slipped a sausage link in me, so we ain’t on speaking terms anyway. I don’t even wanna know what happened to Captain Crook. That mothafucka had jailbait written all over him. From here on out, we work with what we got or ya get the hell out my way. We gotta get with the times if we wanna outmaneuver these McBastards.”


End file.
